A Correspondence Course: A Tea-Time Tale by Albert Pinsent: Dear Sir: In reply to letter of the 14th. I will try and tell you the whole story of how I got here, but I will have to start at the very beginning and tell it in my own way as I am no scholar. You see it was like this. I was walking out with a girl named Flossie Jones. She was a nice girl, and we got on well together and went to pictures and a lot of dances. I was just thinking of what it would be like to be married to Flossie when we met Joe Sprigg at a dance. Joe was a bit bigger than me, and he had nice wavy hair, he soon spotted Flossie and asked her to dance with him. Flossie said yes and you can bet I was jealous sitting watching them going round and round the floor. I could see that they were talking together, and I wondered what they were talking about. I thought if he was asking her to go out with him there would be a riot in the dance room. I tell you I didn’t feel very pleased when they came back to where I was. Well, I had the next dance with Flossie, and I told her pretty plainly that I wasn’t going to have that big goop hanging around her, and she said, “I’ll please myself who I talk to.” I said, “You won’t while you are going out me” and she trod on my foot. That ended the argument for the being, but the next night was the usual night we went to the pictures. I suppose it was because of the row we had had but Flossie didn’t turn up. I went round to her house, and we made it up and went to the pictures, but the air was a bit restrained. Well, a few nights later I asked Flossie to go to the pictures with me, but she had the nerve to tell me she is going with Joe Sprigg. “Why shouldn’t I go out with him?” she said. “Because you were going out with me,” I said. “Well, I’m going out with him to-night” she said. “A change is as good as a rest.’’ I left her without saying anything more and went straight home. I sat down and thought what would be the best way to do Joe Sprigg one in the eye. I thought of a good plan which would make him look a fool to Flossie and show him up for what he was. When I had thought it over, I decided to act on it. I then picked up the paper to see the price of the 4.30 winner and saw your advert. and that caused me to change my mind. Your advert had a picture of a man with arms like motor tyres and a body like two Carneras, and you said you could make anyone like that in ten weeks by forwarding a deposit of ten shillings.
You said women wanted he-men who could mighty feats of strength, and after ten weeks of your course anyone could have the women flocking round him and could be as strong muscular as an ape. Well, I only wanted one woman around me that was Flossie Jones. I thought if I could take your course, I could give Joe Sprigg the biggest hiding he had ever had in his life. And I’d do it in front of Flossie too, she could see how big and strong I was. I raked up ten shillings and sent for your course. I also sent you further sums amounting to two pounds. Well, I did eight weeks of your course of muscular development and was feeling alright, although my body wasn’t like the man in the picture. But I thought that would come during the last two weeks. So, I had two weeks to go when Flossie and me once more met at the dance hall. She had gone with Joe. I tried to keep out of Joe’s way, but he wouldn’t let me. He kept following me about and grinning and saying all sorts of things to make me lose my temper. At last, I did because I could stand it no longer, and I turned and hit him. Of course, a crowd got round, and we decided to go outside and have it out. We went round to a piece of waste ground outside the dance hall, and all the people in the hall came too. When the band saw they would have no one to play to they thought they might as well see the fun. So, we took off our coats and started … The doctor says I won’t be out of hospital for another week, and the nurse says I won’t get better at all if I don’t lie still and pay attention to what she says. But I can manage to write a bit with my pencil, so I am writing these few lines which I started last week. I would like to be out of here before Joe and Flossie are married as I would like to throw a bomb at the wedding. And as I consider that it was your advert that made me change my mind after thinking out a perfectly good plan and your course didn’t do what it said, anyhow, I am asking what you are going to do about my expenses. Besides, I was not to know Joe Sprigg had started your course three weeks before I did. Yours Faithfully ARNOLD ELPHINSTONE:
Transcribed in whole or part from scanned originals: Presented with or without modified text and punctuation. For absolute accuracy refer to the original newspapers. Source: The British Newspaper Archive.
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